WONDER why it takes me so long to learn the same lesson
“Trust in the Lord with all thy heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Some of my thoughts and Testimony
I woke up very early with thoughts and memories flooding my mind, and feel that I must share them with you. I hope you feel my love for you as I share, and do not feel embarrassed as I share some personal things. First I will share four experiences with you and then I will share what I learned. (Some of these experiences you may have heard before, please bear with me.)


First experience:
#2 had turned in his mission papers and was waiting for his call.  I worried and worried, and stewed and stewed over where #2 would be called to serve. I would think about a particular struggle I knew #2 was having and think of where he should go to conquer it. For example: I thought, “#2 struggles with a low self esteem, so he should go somewhere that won’t be a struggle. Where would that be? Oh, yes! He should serve in China. He would be taller than everyone and that will help his self esteem.“ I would go to bed that night and say my prayers, please send #2 to China, so it will help his self esteem” I would then toss and turn all night and in the morning decided, “no, that would not be a good place for #2.” I would spend all day brainstorming. “Sometimes #2 is prideful, so he should go_______. Then he will learn humility.” I would ask in my prayers, “please send him to ______ so he can learn to be humble.” I would then toss and turn all night and in the morning decided, “no, that would not be a good place for #2.”  “#2 is addicted to video games, he should go somewhere that it won’t be a temptation for him. He should serve in Africa or Mongolia, where they have no power.” “I would ask in my prayers, please send him to Africa or Mongolia, so that he will not be tempted.” I would then toss and turn all night and in the morning decided, “no, that would not be a good place for #2.” And then the realization came…“The Lord knows and loves #2 more than you do. He will go exactly where the Lord wants/needs him to go. And #2 will learn what the Lord wants him to learn.” The Spirit confirmed these thoughts and I have been at peace ever since.

Here is the second experience: First a little background: This happened in January or February of 2004. I was expecting #6. I was about half way through the pregnancy and had gone to the doctor for a routine visit. They check your weight and measure your growth, then they listen to the baby’s heart beat. When the doctor tried to find a heart beat, there was none. I was devastated. I had been through a similar experience twice before and lost both babies. The doctor asked me to follow him upstairs to a room with an ultra sound. I was overcome with grief and fear. We got upstairs and the room was locked. He left me waiting in the hall while he went to look for the key. I was in tears. I could not face this alone. I asked the doctor to go and find M____. She is a sister in our ward who worked at the clinic. M_____ came right away. She could tell that something was wrong. She asked what and I told her they could not find a heart beat. She hugged me and let me cry. She asked what she could do and I asked her to hold my hand. The doctor came back with the key and I climbed up on the ultra sound table. He began looking from every possible angle. There was the baby, there was his heart, and it was not beating. I was crying and praying, and praying and crying. My prayer was one word, and one word only, “Please.” In that word were all the pleadings of my heart. The doctor continued to look for another minute or so and then a miracle…His heart began beating! All three of us in that room knew that we had witnessed a miracle. (I have since talked with M_____ and Dr. J_____ and we all agree on what happened and that it was in fact a miracle.)  I drove home as quickly and safely as I could still in tears. Tears that started as fear and turned into tears of joy. I found Hubby working on the sheetrock in our new walk in closet and collapsed into his arms. I was still crying as I continued to tell him what had happened. I think Hubby and Grandpa  gave me a blessing to help me calm down.
From that time to now, there has been a little thought in the back of my mind, that perhaps #6 would not be with our family for very long.
As you know #6 has had trouble with his teeth. When he was 9 months old he fell out of the stroller and knocked out 3 of his bottom teeth. When he was 8-9 his 2 front teeth had not fallen out, and were not even loose. I took him to the dentist to have some x-rays taken. The dentist was not sure what he saw and so he kept the x-rays and was going to show them to a colleague. He called me a few days later with the report. #6 had extra teeth that were making it so the baby teeth would not come out and were blocking the way of his permanent teeth.  He would need to have surgery to remove the teeth. I was filled with dread. A dark feeling came over me. I was literally sick to my stomach, as I got off the phone. “Why was I feeling this way?” That little thought in the back of my mind came up. I did not think #6 would make it through the surgery. Then the internal battle began. “Do I not schedule the surgery? If we don’t do it will things be okay? Will #6 be okay? Will I be okay? Do I go ahead with it, and hope for the best? What is this feeling? What is happening? What am I to do? “   The battle lasted for a few days. There were many prayers, and lots of tears as I struggled with these feelings. I finally found peace.  “He is the Lord’s. If the Lord wants him home, even though I will miss him, I will let him go.” I learned to be submissive to the Lord. It was not an easy decision, but it brought great peace. And so I scheduled the surgery, not knowing how things would turn out. (As you know the surgery went fine.)

The third experience involves #1. For many months #1 said she was not going to serve a mission. I was fine with whatever she decided. It was her decision.  In August of 2013 she was struggling with some things, her health, roommate issues, troubles at work, etc. We had talked and I gave her some council. She called me a few days later and said, “I am going to serve a mission!”  I think my response was, “Wow!” We visited for just a very few minutes as we made a few plans for moving home, selling her lease, what to do about work, etc. I said a quick good-bye and got off the phone and began to cry. I did not feel good about it. I was worried. I was afraid #1 was going because she felt forced by Hubby and I. I did not know if I could emotionally handle missing 2 of my kids. I worried about how I could support them spiritually and emotionally.  And I worried about money. I called her back the next day and apologized for my lack luster response to her exciting news and told her I was just surprised. I never shared any of these feelings with #1. I tried to sort out my feelings and deal with them, and I made up my mind to simply support her decision. I worked on helping her get ready.  December 17, we went to #1’s setting apart. I was still unsure in my heart of her decision. In the blessing from the Stake President, He said,  “#1 serving a mission was something you was foreordained to do.” I began to cry. I don’t know what that knowledge did for #1 or anyone else in the room, but for me it was an answer to prayer. All my doubts and fears were gone. How do you argue with the Lord? I was at peace.

Another experience from a few years ago. I had a prompting that Hubby would be getting a new calling.  I did not want him to have the new call. I spent several days arguing with the Lord about it. “Hubby isn’t ready for that calling. I can’t handle that calling. Etc” I was unhappy and stressed for those few days. When I went to the Lord in prayer and told him I would do whatever He asked of me, and support Hubby in anything asked of him, I felt peace. Surprisingly the calling I was dreading never came.

All these experiences have taught me to trust in the Lord. When I trust the Lord, I can be submissive to His will.  The blessings for me have been wonderful feelings of peace, “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding.“ (Philippians 4:7)   It has not been a one time lesson, but trusting God is coming more naturally to me.  I think often of the following Hymn.

It may not be on the mountain height
Or over the stormy sea,
It may not be at the battle's front
My Lord will have need of me.
But if, by a still, small voice he calls
To paths that I do not know,
I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
I'll go where you want me to go.

I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
Over mountain or plain or sea;
I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
I'll be what you want me to be.

Perhaps today there are loving words
Which Jesus would have me speak;
There may be now in the paths of sin
Some wand'rer whom I should seek.
O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,
Tho dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo the message sweet:
I'll say what you want me to say.

I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
Over mountain or plain or sea;
I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
I'll be what you want me to be.

There's surely somewhere a lowly place
In earth's harvest fields so wide
Where I may labor through life's short day
For Jesus, the Crucified.
So trusting my all to thy tender care,
And knowing thou lovest me,
I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:
I'll be what you want me to be.

I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
Over mountain or plain or sea;
I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
I'll be what you want me to be.

And I begin to wonder why it takes me so many times to learn the same lesson.
I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. I know they want what is best for me. And so I think sometimes the lessons are not necessarily to teach us to trust God, but to teach us to be submissive and then we can become who Heavenly Father wants us to be.  I decided a long time ago that I will go and do anything the Lord asks me to do.  My struggle is completely  letting go; of my past mistakes, my fears, my weaknesses, my own ideas, likes and dislikes, hobbies, etc.. Do I trust God enough to submit my will and become who he wants me to be? I am trying, because that is my ultimate goal.

written April 6, 2014